Primo-sensei's Words of Wisdom
by xXxAnGeLFLoNnExXx
Summary: In which Giotto makes a mafia advice column out of boredom. May be extended into a three-shot.
1. Primo gives advice?

**I got bored and didn't have anything better to do.**

**R & R.**

**Enjoy~!**

* * *

_Dear Primo-sensei,_

My paperwork is slowly reaching the height of Mount Everest. I can barely eat or sleep nowadays. To make things worse, my vicious and bloodthirsty Cloud Guardian has taken my tutor's place to threaten me into finishing my work. Any tip would be great, thanks.

_Dying slowly,_

_Not a Mafia Boss_

**XXX**

_Dear descendant of mine,_

Have you tried burning your paperwork? I think transferring all the paperwork to your Guardians and causing destruction yourself would do.

_I feel your pain,_

_Primo-sensei_

* * *

_Dear Primo-sensei,_

Where the hell are you? The afterlife's paperwork is piling up again!

_I'll drag your ass back here,_

_Loyal Right-Hand Man_

**XXX**

_Dear Loyal Right-Hand Man,_

You will never find out where I am.

_Take that,_

_Primo-sensei_

* * *

_Dear Primo-sensei,_

There's this guy who keeps bugging me. Wherever I go, he'd be there and be like "Dera, there you are!" and "Dera, I've been looking for you." or "Dera, I did a homerun!". It's annoying as fuck and I could really care less on what he does with his life. I just want some peace and quiet (preferably with the Tenth). I've both showed and told him countless times to buzz-off and he's not understand anything.

I don't get him.

_Better than the pink-haired copycat,_

_The Best Right-Hand Man_

**XXX**

_Dear Tsundere,_

I don't get him, either.

However, you should be nicer to him since he considers you a great friend. Besides, I think my descendant would appreciate it if his two friends get along.

P.S. I would like for you to stop sending G hate mail with dynamites attached. It doesn't matter if you want to blow him up, but the repairs for explosions are adding up to my pile of work.

_Yours Truly,_

_Primo-sensei_

* * *

_Dear Primo-sensei,_

I just found out that the only friend I could relate to, is from the Family of ill repute and son of the man who murdered my family. And recently, I learned that he's the next boss of the Family that I will destroy. I am torn between getting revenge and keeping our friendship. I don't want to lose a friend, but I also don't want to lose my other friends who want revenge like me. Any good advice?

_Being a mafioso sucks,_

_Compass Eyes_

**XXX**

_Dear Friendship Worrywart,_

I am truly sorry for what you've been through. When I first built the Vongola, I meant for it to be the symbol of our own brand of justice. It was meant to be noble, but it has destroyed many lives instead. I will lecture the other bosses and Iemitsu later.

It all depends on you. Do you equally value your friendships? Can you call them your true friends? If so, then I'm sure your revenge-seeking friends would understand if you befriended a murderer's son. Besides, it's not his fault that he descended from a tainted bloodline.

_Yours Truly,_

_Primo-sensei_

* * *

_Dear Primo-sensei,_

Dude, I just saw a really beautiful lady. She had long silver hair, a physique expected from a mafioso, and a voice that could shake a thousand mountains. She is the epitome of a true mafia woman. And did I mention that she was smoking HOT? She stole my heart. I think I'm in love.

The problem is that she seems to be smitten with that Xanxus guy. I can't blame her for it. He's the leader of an independent assassination squad for the largest, most powerful, and most influential Family in the whole world, while I'm just the head of a mediocre Family.

Still, I don't want to lose her. She's everything I ever wanted in my life.

_Sincerely,_

_Lovesick Kamen Rider_

**XXX**

_Dear Closet Super Sentai fan,_

Ah, young love. Oh, how I remember my own endeavors of the heart back in our glory days…

Anyways, if you think she is worth your life, sanity, dignity, and reputation, go for it, even if it means getting shot or getting wine glasses thrown at your head. Multiple times. Otherwise, just think of how many fish in the sea are left single. Though I have to say, you've got some tough competition there, pal. I'll root for you.

On a side note, I can't blame you for being head over heels for her. That Squalo chick is, indeed, _hot_.

_Yours Truly,_

_Primo-sensei_

* * *

_Dear slacker,_

Go back to your damn office. Now.

P.S. I'll burn your sweet stash.

_Go home,_

_ULTIMATE Right-Hand Man (Don't listen to the wannabe. He's the one who copied my face)_

**XXX**

_Dear right-hand man of mine,_

NEVER.

P.S. I transferred my sweet stash from the loose floorboard. You'll never find them!

_Make me,_

_Primo-sensei _

* * *

_DEAR PRIMO-SENSEI,_

THERE IS A WEIRD MOHAWK-HAIRED MAN STARING AT MY WINDOW. WHAT SHOULD I DO?

_THANKS,_

_EXTREMELY Disturbed_

**XXX**

_Dear Extremely Disturbed,_

Ignore him. Lock all your doors and windows. Better yet, call that Xanxus guy or that smoking hot Squalo chick for assistance.

_God bless you,_

_Primo-sensei_

* * *

_Dear Primo-sensei,_

There's this guy who keeps abusing me. He constantly tries to shoot my head off even when I'm not doing anything wrong, and there's that one time he pushed me off a cliff for his amusement. How can I make him stop? I'm gonna die at this rate!

P.S. I think he misses having a personal punching bag, what with my little bro's tutelage finished.

_Begging for help,_

_Bucking Bronco_

**XXX**

_Dear Bucking Bronco,_

I have no idea how. And I actually think he's unstoppable.

Word of advice: Make or hire someone to make an espresso to die for. He might go easier on you.

_Good luck (you'll need it),_

_Primo-sensei_

* * *

_Dear Primo-sensei,_

I once wanted to destroy the mafia, but now… actually, I still do, just considerably less so. And that is all thanks to mi amore. Unfortunately, he doesn't seem to understand my feelings. I tried outright telling him (and that I want to take over his body metaphorically), but it didn't work. How should I show my love?

_Sincerely,_

_*Fruity* (it was scratched out) Greatest Illusionist_

**XXX**

_Dear Pineapple-head,_

Stay away from Tsunayoshi.

_Go to Hell,_

_Or Face My Wrath_

* * *

_Dear Primo-sensei,_

I have a boss, you see. He slacks off a lot, and even disappears for ridiculous amounts of time to who knows where. He dirties up the office, he doesn't contribute to anything, and he. Won't. Stop. Ordering. Marshmallows. Using the company's money and even my own credit card at times!

He is a generous boss, but I would like it if he would at least do his share of paperwork instead of dumping them all on me. I have a life outside of work!

_My stomach hurts,_

_Quietly Suffering_

**XXX**

_Dear Quietly Suffering,_

You can't completely blame your boss. Paperwork is the greatest enemy of mankind. On the other hand, he should do his own work, seeing as it is unfair on your part. He should be more like me; balancing work and play very well at no one else's expense!

Have you tried bribing him with limited edition marshmallows? Better yet, try grounding him and making him sleep on the couch. That usually works for a friend of mine.

For that stomach-ache, I suggest going to the nearest doctor who isn't picky (I'm judging you, Shamal).

_Yours Truly,_

_Primo-sensei_

* * *

_Dear Sucks to be You,_

I found your stash. You seriously should find a better place other than under your mattress.

_Say Goodbye to Them,_

_Loyal Right-Hand Man_

**XXX**

_Dear Merciless Bastard,_

NOOOOOOO!

ASARI, YOU TRAITOR. YOU TOLD HIM, DIDN'T YOU.

_Alright I'm going,_

_Reluctantly_

* * *

**This might actually have a continuation if people like it enough.**

**Ciao ciao~! -Flonne.**


	2. Primo isn't very helpful

**There might be a next one, but it could be the last chapter, though. I'm running out of ideas, sorry, but not really sorry****.**

**R & R.**

**Enjoy~!**

* * *

_Dear Primo-sensei,_

Spiderman is already out of the trend and you are already hundreds of years old. Act your age. Please stop posing everywhere and entering the mansion through the windows. It is freaking out the other generation bosses and Guardians. I know that we are dead and you can't be injured anymore, but it's getting on our last nerves.

And no, I did not tell G where your sweets were.

_Sincerely,_

_Headached Helper_

**XXX**

_Dear Mysterious Friend,_

I don't believe you, but I will give you the benefit of the doubt.

…That doesn't mean I'm going to stop. Spiderman is cool!

_Yours Truly,_

_The Amazing Primo-sensei_

* * *

_Dear Weak-hearted Primo-sensei,_

I shall return.

_Waiting for the right timing,_

_Your Worst Nightmare_

**XXX**

_Dear Insignificant Shadow of a Distant Past That Never Was,_

Even if the stars and moon collide, I never want you back into my life. You can take your words and all your lies. Oh, I really don't care.

P.S. Don't pull a McArthur on me, young man, or else I'll tell Elena!

_Yours Truly,_

_The Amazing Primo-sensei_

* * *

Dear Primo-fucker-whatever,

I am not doing this to take any of your shit. Those annoying idiots just won't stop pestering me if I don't write to you about it.

…So there's this frustrating fuck-tard (goddamn, he's grating on my nerves) who thought it would be a good idea to take away every single frigging drop of wine in the next five-freaking-thousand mile radius. And replacing it with goddamn _tea_.

_I do not want goddamn tea_.

That moron keeps on saying that I'm ruining my liver with too much alcohol but who the hell cares about his opinion? It's my body and I do whatever the fuck I want. I ain't listening to anyone's shit about my shit.

_Who cares,_

_The Real Decimo_

**XXX**

_Dear Cluster F-bomb,_

Whoa, there. Just hold your horses! My descendant is the sweetest, purest, and kindest person to has ever descended this damned world we live in. He is _the_ best thing-slash-person since sliced bread. Don't you dare mock him.

Actually, shouldn't you be thankful that he's not contributing to your addiction?

And you sir, need to take some anger management classes. I've sent the address along with a recommendation letter to your mail.

_Yours Truly,_

_The Amazing Primo-sensei_

* * *

_DEAR PRIMO-SENSEI,_

VOOOOOOOOOOI, IT'S IRRITATING THAT PEOPLE I DON'T EVEN KNOW MISTAKE ME FOR A FUCKING WOMAN AND THOSE SHITTY BRATS ARE ENJOYING EVERY SECOND OF IT. WHAT THE HELL?!

I KEEP TELLING THEM THAT MY HAIR IS LONG FOR A NOBLE SHIT. I'M NOT CUTTING IT UNLESS THE BOSS BECOMES DECIMO AND WE ALL KNOW IT AIN'T GONNA FUCKING HAPPEN SOON.

IS IT THE SHAMPOO? SHOULD I HAVE SWITCHED TO L'OREAL?

_REALLY ANGRY,_

_SWORD EMPEROR SQUALO_

**XXX**

_Dear Sword Emperor Squalo,_

Wow, you're as much of a cluster f-bomb as the last guy was. Is this a trend or something? And what's with the capital letters? Compensating much? You could've at least made an effort on the penmanship…

Words of advice: Simple problem, simple solution. Cut your hair and sacrifice your pride or not cut your hair and still sacrifice your pride. It has nothing to do with your shampoo (Though I do recommend L'Oreal. It makes my hair fluffier. I gave the same tip to my descendant). It's all in the matter of choosing which one is the lesser evil (and which one hurts your pride less). No one's going to blame you for trying to save whatever scrap's left of your pride, honor, and dignity.

Your name is Squalo…

…Wait, you mean you're not a girl?

.

.

.

Wow. You really have got to cut that hair, Rapunzel. I think my brain broke. I hope that Kamen Rider guy won't feel devastated once he hears about this.

_Confused,_

_The Amazing Primo-sensei_

* * *

_Dear Primo-sensei,_

I have noticed a weird mohawk-haired man following big brother everywhere. At first, the man had been staring outside his window. Now, he's staring. Right. Outside. His. Window. On the second floor.

How do I get rid of him?

If he doesn't get away from our house, I took boxing training from my father, I have fists, and I am not afraid to use them.

P.S. I want to use the least painful but most traumatizing method possible. I don't want to ruin my sundress with a strange man's blood, but I also don't want him to bother big brother anymore.

_Thank You,_

_Sorella_

**XXX**

_Dear Sorella,_

Have you tried talking to the man about yaio (Or was it yoai? I'm sorry, Sorella, but my awesome memory isn't accurate enough) and something about ohteepees?

_Yours Truly,_

_The Amazing Primo-sensei_

* * *

_Dear Primo-sensei,_

I was *slacking-off* (it was scratched out) doing my daily patrols in-between the paperwork. I just accidentally stumbled upon our resident mechanics' basement and I was really surprised with what I saw.

_There was a robot army underneath our mansion. _

That's not the worst part— the worst part was that they could all combine and transform into one giant mecha weapon of destruction.

We're living in times of peace, so why do we even need a secret underground mechanized army? Are we going to war or something without my consent? Are _they_ going to war without my consent and cause eternal destruction? All those paperwork and zeroes potentially wasted…

I can only hope that either Mukuro or Byakuran doesn't find out and get ideas about destroying the mafia or world domination. The last time they did, there was a huge revolution that released the animals into the Cosa Nostra territories. I mean, how in the world can big, bad mafioso be killed by gerbils?

…I don't know what to do anymore.

P.S. Reborn told me not to take any of your words seriously, but his own advice isn't any better.

_Really getting tired of this,_

_Not a Mafia Boss_

**XXX**

_Dear descendant of mine,_

Really? A robot army? That's still mild, mind you. I swear what Talbot's created was much worse. Have you discovered the hidden control room in the mansion? It can make the entirely of the Vongola property, along with a few civilian houses in the vicinity, turn into a _battleship_.

_Old Italian houses_, during the eighteenth century or whatnot, became a huge battleship. Really. I gave up the third time he rode it for a test run. I swear the windows have hidden laser guns installed, no matter how much he denies it. I know what I saw.

But of course I couldn't do anything. Alaude and Daemon approved, after all. Those two rarely agree on something, but that didn't stop them from smirking and promoting the battleship. Mio Dio, it was a total disaster.

We're supposed to be a vigilante group, dammit.

P.S. Don't listen to your tutor. Even if he has a gun pressed next to your head. Oh, and I remember those killer gerbils! Good times…

_You're not the only one,_

_The Amazing Primo-sensei._

* * *

_Dear Primo-sensei,_

I was hired to search for your stash via thoughtography last time. I demand monetary payment for this information.

_Send it to my bank account,_

_Mentalist_

**XXX**

_Dear Mentalist,_

Thank you for that wonderful information. Is it possible for me to hire you to find and destroy a certain someone's cigar collection?

P.S. Asari, I'm really sorry for doubting you! Can you ever find it in yourself to forgive me?

_I will,_

_The Amazing Primo-sensei_

* * *

_Dear Primo-sensei,_

About Daemon, I think he's planning something bad again. Just a little warning. I have a shout-out to Elena, too. Your ex might be planning to cheat on you indirectly. Simply saying.

Also, I think he is after my descendant's ass. And your descendant's ass. And your descendant's female Mist Guardian's ass. Well, they do have fine asse— I mean, they are inconspicuous and they need protection. You might want to give them a heads-up or something. I'm not the one who creepily resides in the family heirlooms, after all.

P.S. I have a date with a _real_ girl unlike that Squalo, who's obviously _male._ There's a picture attached to this submission! And man, you have bad taste when it comes to the ladies.

_Worried,_

_Wolfgang Amadeus_

**XXX**

_Dear Pun-tastic Wolfgang,_

Thank you for that friendly warning. I shall protect them from the fruity virginity kleptomaniac. That won't come. Because he never existed. Nope. I'm pretty sure I don't have poor character judgment to have a friend like that. So clearly, there is no melon-haired Guardian who is now a shadow of our past that never was. Because he doesn't exist.

P.S. She's so beautiful; those bright blue eyes that shone like sapphire. And those shimmering locks of hair… you're so lucky! Mio Dio, I'm burning with envy. And you didn't have to mention it but my taste in ladies is fine and dandy, thank you very much. It's not my fault no one can handle my swag.

_Yours Truly,_

_The Amazing Primo-sensei_

* * *

_Dear Primo-sensei,_

My cute and adorable son hates me!

I went home after receiving my long awaited vacation and my precious little Tunafish brushed me off without even looking at me. It's like I don't exist in his world! I shower him with my love whenever I could and I've never neglected to send both he and his mother postcards, so why does he despise my very presence?

I've tried my best to alienate them from the mafia. I wake up in the morning, I put on my suit's sleeves one at a time, I drink sake in the afternoons, I go to work like all diligent breadwinners of their families, I bring home money for them to spend, I sleep at night like any other guy out there.

The other person whom I've treated like my own has never reacted to me that way, so why? What did I do wrong?

Is it the postcards? I knew I should've used the whale ones instead of the penguins.

_Only Concerned,_

_Ignored Parent_

**XXX**

_Dear Ignored Parent,_

It's not them, it's you.

You have been an excellent father to your apprentice, but you have never been a good father to Tsunayoshi. What kind of self-respecting father goes home irregularly only to drink sake all day and laze about in their home? _No one_. You may have showered him with love, but you've also showered him with excuses. You don't even know that your wife is crying behind your back when she thinks no one is looking.

And choosing the whale postcard over the penguin one wouldn't have changed your son's opinion. The mere fact that you weren't there to see him grow up and simply send postcards makes all the difference.

Honestly.

I suggest baking cake for my younger descendant to lessen the tension. Tsunayoshi likes strawberry shortcakes in particular.

P.S. Did you know that your daughter is going on a date with Cozart? I think her name is Basil or something.

_Yours Truly, _

_The Amazing Primo-sensei_

* * *

_Dear Primo-sensei,_

You may know me as Levi A Than, Varia's Lightning Guardian and leader of the Levi Corps. But it is only a single person who knows who I truly am.

Once, my life has been at its lowest; at its bleakest point in this poor world of darkness. I had been a simple man of the streets— a gangster or a puny mobster-wannabe, you could say. I had been facing all these challenges alone in this desolate place. People have criticized me and ostracized me for my physical appearance. It is not their fault, I knew, but t'was the fault of human nature and prejudice.

However, I could take it upon myself to forgive them, for it is also our free will that controls our words and actions—

…

_**1 hour later**_

…

—It was then that he came: the light to my darkness, the destination to my direction, the hope to my despair, the cure to my sickness; he was _everything_. He had given me all the things I have lost: my pride, my dignity. He has pieced the broken fragments back together. He has given back my rose-tinted reality. He has given me a future.

I walked for a thousand miles and accomplished nothing; he walked for a thousand millimeters and accomplished everything.

What I had been aiming for, what I had been believing in, who to trust, and what to say… all these questions have remained unanswered until he entered my life and changed this lowly person's existence. I am not worthy yet I cannot stop myself from going near the light that erased all my doubts and fears

He was my god and I was ready to serve him—

…

_**2 hours later**_

…

—Oh, it had been glorious! He single-handedly defeated those thugs. All hail the future head of the most influential and most powerful Family in the world!

People boast on how great they were, and all fell in front of the boss. He is that awe-inspiring. He is a man worthy of one's loyalty.

He has shown them his might and stared into their soul, daring them to go against his word; none were brave enough to oppose the boss's orders. The boss's word is the law. And that is the philosophy I will live by.

How it pains me that no one can see the boss's true value like I could. I cannot fathom why I have not been picked as his right-hand man—

…

_**3 hours later**_

…

—Most of his men fear him, and most mafioso get weak in the knees and humiliate themselves in front of the boss. However, it is I, and his closest yet unworthy Guardians who truly respect him from the bottom of our hearts. Not even a single member of his family cared for him.

He is the eternal sky and not even the universe can change that.

He is my savior and I serve no one but him.

I could only wish he could see my potential and appreciate my presence.

_Proudly saying,_

_XOXO_

**XXX**

_Dear Senpai Notice Me,_

…Who are you, again?

_But it was touching enough,_

_The Amazing Primo-sensei_

* * *

**Phew, finally finished this one.**

**See you guys some other time!**

**Ciao ciao~! -Flonne.**


End file.
